Now and Zen

well, it's time for another Zen Virtual Retreat... it shocked me when I realized that it's been more than half a year. amazing how quickly I have fallen out of practice of meditation... lots to do in the next week or so in preparation, quite a task with all the other things going on, busy weekends, family, work, hobbies, dojo, projects at home... need to create some space and free some time for this (sharpen the axe).

so much for intentions. it is now time for action.

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healing...

after spending a month not getting better, it became time to set a deadline and take action. the deadline was the end of Sept, and the action was to limit activities that could degrade my back while boosting activities that could help it. so far, things are getting better. less activity in martial arts class (no throws, limited exertion with twisting motions - slow is smooth, which then becomes fast), but more stretches and strengthening exercizes (superman, limited crunches, trunk twists).

also been working on pushups (last week was 20, this week I'm doing 25 each time) and Australian Pushups (low pullup bar, pulling up from inverted pushup position - think of doing a pushup on the other side of the planet), but that's still slow going - not my strong suit... yet.

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long time... no post

well, that went well. lower back still hurting - I can't seem to leave well enough alone. each time it gets feeling better, I push it and end up back at the start. shoulder is doing better and I have been doing some pushups, but not to the tune of the 100 yet. the lower back has my reverse crunch stopped, will likely re-start at week 6 and see if I can't get back into it.

meditation is something I really need to get back into, as I'm getting really down about my injuries, and that leads to bad posture, which doesn't help my lower back, which doesn't help my attitude...

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long time... no post

I've done it again. my back is still messed up. I keep pushing too hard at dojo, I guess. no real progress with pushups, pullups, crunches, or reverse crunches, other than I am doing between 10 and 30 of each 3 or 4 times a week, building up to a basic level of competence.

it's very frustrating, and that is the perfect excuse to use for meditation, only I keep forgetting to do that. and with 100+ degree temperatures, walking outside doesn't happen too often.

frustration can be motivating or demotivating, and I'm on the cusp. must work harder to maintain my attitude, as it is the most precious thing I have... without it, I truly am nothing.

oh, and to get the last usual tag on this, my braces are doing fine, teeth are still in (super slow) motion, and the inside of the lips are slowly toughening up.

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Body Modification 8#

braces were tightened up a little bit on Monday, and a heavier wire was put in on the top. also got little rubber bands to help keep the brackets from chewing my lips up so much.
the teeth were a little tender for the first two days, but are back to normal now. no problems chewing (using the molars), and very little trouble biting (using the incisors). I may just live thru this... 8#

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Reverse Crunch - rehab...

still taking it easy on the reverse crunches, adding 5 at a time, while my back gets better. hope to do the 100 on video sometime this month.

(also still need to render the video and figure out how to post it...)

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Pushup Practice

also started doing pushups over the last few dojo sessions, the shoulder is doing better, almost healed. did 10 (as a test) then 15, then 20. hope to do 25, 30 and 35 this week and start with week 3 or 4 (again) next week... we'll see how that goes.

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Pullups - history

I've never been good at pullups. now, at 220 to 230 lbs, I'm really bad at pullups. first time I tried was just before the trip, and got one. not bad, after all these years. been working for a while and can do two fairly well. tonight, got my first almost-three (chin didn't quite clear the bar). I won't be working on it like the others, but will be trying to add a count every week or so.

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long time... no post

not dead ... yet!

been busy. vacation, worrying about a traveling kid, prep for brown belt test, getting the kids ready for school, all the usual excuses...

shoulder almost back to 100%, so I go and tear something in my back two days before brown belt test. real rocket scientist, me. 8( passed the test, but only on condition of a repeat to show proper form for two of the techniques.

started some limited pull up tests. this has always been my weakest point, and now that I weigh 230 pounds, it's even tougher. I can do two pull ups clean, and a third if I struggle. going to start working this into my "regular" routine, along with pushups.

braces are doing well, ached and made biting and chewing an annoyance for the first three weeks, but hasn't been a problem since. Monday is the next appointment, so I'm going to ask them to step it up some. also, the worst part of braces is they are still chewing up the inside of my mouth. I'll talk to them about that.

still need to do my 100 reverse crunches for record, but that's out until I get my back straightened out (so to speak). hopefully in the next few weeks I can re-do weeks 5 & 6 as a way of getting back into the swing of it.

also haven't done much with silent meditation, but having fun with guided ones instead. I think I will need to circle in on pure silence, although I do try to get short bursts of silence from time to time. another seminar, on zen and stress (if I recall correctly), will be starting in a few months, so I'll need to get my zen on... practice doesn't make perfect. perfect practice makes perfect. 8(#)

bad blogger - no cookie!

been a while. haven't been doing much between shoulder (almost better - collar bone was not re-seating properly), the discomfort of the braces and (deep breath) scouts, ballet, recital, packing, Europe trip, training, facebook, pool repairs, car repairs, dojo, upgrades to daughter's room and life in general.

have a handful of updates, ready to test for 100 reverse crunches (going to try tonight) - I hope.

Body Modification 8#

after (finally) loosing the baby tooth, which had been my excuse for over 2 decades for not doing this, it's time to get wired. it will take a year or two to deal with this mess (my teeth look more like a crystal formation than a nice row of teeth), and in the meantime, I will learn pain, I will learn suffering, and then I'll get them taken off. 8# (that's a smiley with braces)

braces - ouch. so far the wost part is the rubbing of the gear against my cheeks. wax is my friend. the teeth don't hurt, but I'm on "training wires", so there's not much push. the good news is I'm loosing weight (they needed to put bands on two teeth, so I've had spacers in for two weeks - ouch - they hurt worse than the wires - so far) - about 5 pounds in 2.5 weeks. that's OK, so long as it's just the fat that goes away...

expect infrequent updates, usually to gauge pain levels with new wires, or the triumphant (or at least relieved) announcement of their removal - failure is always an option... 8#

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Pushup Practice

the chiropractor got my collar bone back into position, and things are doing better. tried some 'girl' pushups (to limit load) and was able to do 10 without significant discomfort. hope to be back doing some pushups in early June... we'll see.

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Walking - week 7

totals for the the seventh week of walking: 14.3 k steps... that's the good news. the bad news, I'm not going to blog about it anymore, as I'm keeping a good baseline and am doing it consistently.

total: 14.3 k steps

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Reverse Crunch Week 6 Day 2

more crazy busy - only entry this week, hope to finish in 1st week of June...

crunches: 22/22/30/30/24/24/18/18/60 on a spec of (same /57 - total of 248)

getting close... can almost feel it... need to render video of the jumping jacks and crunches to put up here, and get this taped an on the board too... where does all the time go?

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Reverse Crunch Week 6 Day 1

slowing down some, end of school year for the kids, busy busy busy...

crunches: 45/55/35/30/57 on a spec of (same /55 - total of 222)
if I did the math right...

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Pushup Practice

it's been a while, and the shoulder is still a bit messed up. it doesn't help that working and playing on computers for about a dozen hours each day (yes, roughly half of each day is at a computer - what can I say, I'm a geek!). Stretching is helping, as is regular motion. I hope to start light (few reps) work on the pushup front, just so I don't forget how to do them, perhaps as early as this weekend - it's been way to long...

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Walking - week 6

totals for the the sixth week of walking: 11.3 k steps...

that's the good news - still maintaining a minimum number of steps, despite spending some time off my feet, not doing a lot of deliberate walking and forgetting to wear the silly thing from time to time... all in all, not too bad.

total: 11.3 k steps

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Reverse Crunch Week 5 Day 3

crunches: 20/20/24/24/20/20/22/55 on a spec of (same /50 - total of 205) (edit - it appears that I can't add)

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Walking - Week 5

totals for the the fifth week of walking: 10.6 k steps...

that's the good news.

the bad news, my total is lower than I would like - but I spent a lot of time on my butt, and didn't wear it over the weekend...

I am now running my own race and I do what I can to up my numbers, within reason.

total: 10.6 k steps

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Reverse Crunch Week 5 Day 2

did some crunches, data forthcoming...

crunches: 19/19/22/22/18/18/22/47 on a spec of (same /45 - total of 187)

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Reverse Crunch Week 5 Day 1

did some crunches, data forthcoming...

crunches: 36/40/30/24/44 on a spec of (same /40 - total of 174)

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Reverse Crunch Week 4 Day 3

did some crunches, data forthcoming...

crunches: 29/33/29/29/46 on a spec of (same /40 - total of 166)

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Pushup Practice

drat! it always seems to get worse before it gets better... hammered my shoulder last night while doing a cartwheel (forgot to project up and over, and went sideways and down instead) and the stupid thing popped... (my shoulder informs me that it objects to being called stupid, and says it was only following orders) eventually I will get back to pushups, but I'm not sure when that will be.

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Reverse Crunch Week 4 Day 2

.. and getting stronger ...

crunches: 25/29/25/25/47 on a spec of (same /36 - total of 151)

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Walking - Week 4

totals for the the fourth week of walking: _0_ k steps...

my feet still haven't recovered from the earlier 5ks (two weeks ago and last weekend), and the folks at work are getting hyper-competitive (one guy is putting in 100k steps per week). that's not a healthy way for me to go, so I am dropping out. I will probably put my counter back on, and monitor my steps from time to time, but it probably won't be a regular thing to see reports on.

total: _o_ k steps

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Reverse Crunch Week 4 Day 1

let's take the weekend off, shall we? still going strong...

crunches: 21/25/21/21/40 on a spec of (same /32 - total of 128)

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Reverse Crunch Week 3 Day 3

more of the same... tiring in the same places, but starting to feel it a little in the lower abs...

crunches: 22/30/20/20/33 on a spec of (same /28 - total of 125)

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Reverse Crunch Week 3 Day 2

still getting a bit fatigued at the end, mostly in the tops of the thighs (quads) and forward (when standing) portion of the hip...

crunches: 20/25/15/15/32 on a spec of (same /25 - total of 107)

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Walking - Week 3

totals for the the third week of walking: 14.1 k steps... that's the good news. the better news, well, there is none. the bad news, my feet still hurt from the cancer walk last week (and there's a heart walk this weekend - my wife works at a heart hospital, so we're going). still plan to walk at my own pace, but it does seem to sting a bit when I come in at the bottom on a regular basis. oh well, I will do what I can, and see where it goes. it is only healthy if you aren't hurting yourself (to do otherwise would seem counterproductive... ).

also note that the difference between last week and this week is that my mom was in town, so we didn't do much walking on the weekend.

total: 14.1 k steps

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Reverse Crunch Week 3 Day 1

things are getting better, but the top of the quads (the section that is both forward and body-ward) is still starting to engage and fatigue as the reps climb, and the lower back is still a little tender, but no problems ...

crunches: 14/18/14/14/25 on a spec of (same /20 - total of 85)

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it's hell getting old

been a bad week - did something to my lower back, so no crunches. my shoulder, while better, is still being pulled out of place by irritated muscles, so no pushups either. hope to get back to it sometime in the upcoming week.

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Pushup Practice

still waiting on shoulder to get better. it's a chicken-and-egg problem. shoulder is inflamed because it is in the wrong position, this pain causes muscle tightness in all surrounding muscles, which pulls the shoulder into the wrong position, which ...

it's getting better, but slowly. hope to be back to it in another week or two - lots of stretching and manipulation...

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Walking - Week 2

totals for the the second week of walking: 34.9 k steps... that's the good news. the better news, almost 10k of those were at the Susan G Komen breast cancer walk on Sunday. the bad news, my feet are still sore (knees and everything else were sore for a day, but the feet are still a bit swollen and the soles are still a bit tender) - some of that may have to do with having my 7 year old 'riding' for the first half mile and last quarter mile... unfortunately, there is no 'extra credit' steps awarded for carrying her... also note that the difference between last week and this week is almost exactly the number of steps in the cancer walk...

the down side, I'm still the bottom walker of our team. on the good side, we added about 1/3 to our total. on the down side, the other team at our site almost doubled it's total, so we're still way behind.

we'll have to see how the rest of the teams did - details forthcoming... um, we got toasted. even the 4 person team beat us. but this is about health, and if the others can walk that far in health, good for them. it is doubtful that any of the 100k steppers weigh 235 pounds, so their totals would probably drop if they had to carry that much weight (that's not counting an extra 50 some pounds of little girl for about 3/4 of a mile in the cancer walk).

total: 34.9 k steps

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Now and Zen

actually got a decent meditation in last week (but only one). need to figure out how to make it a higher priority - you always find time for your "MUST" items, but rarely find it for your "SHOULD" items...

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Reverse Crunch Week 2 Day 3

starting to get a bit fatigued, mostly in the tops of the thighs (quads)...

crunches: 16/17/14/14/23 on a spec of (same /20 - total of 84)

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Reverse Crunch Week 2 Day 2

things are still going well - still no problems ...

crunches: 14/16/12/12/22 on a spec of (same /17 - total of 76)

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Reverse Crunch Week 2 Day 1

well, things went so well with the first set of reverse crunches, I had to decide between doing the last day of each week until I failed, then backing up a bit, or to do every one from here on out, but more frequently. I decided to do the latter, and so will be doing them daily (or nearly so) until it gets to be too hard or I complete the series

crunches: 14/14/10/10/18 on a spec of (same /15 - total of 66)

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Reverse Crunch Week 1 Day 3

well, things went so well with crunches, it's time to start on reverse crunches (lift feet from floor to about 45 degree angle, then back down). since they looked so easy, I started out with the last session of Week 1 - and had no problem...

crunches: 11/15/9/9/17 on a spec of (same /13 - total of 61)

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Now and Zen

... or lack thereof. still having problems remembering to do the meditations. perhaps once a week, on a good week. not very good.

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Walking - Week 1

totals for the the first week of walking: 24.4 k steps... that's the good news. the bad news, my total was the lowest on our team, and our team was the second lowest, beating only a short-handed team! some of these people had over 100k steps! they must be power walkers or joggers or something. oh well, need to run my own race and do what I can to up my numbers, within reason.

total: 24.4 k steps

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Crunch Final Test

* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * I did it! * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *

hope to figure out how to embed video soon (or at least link to one), as I did all 100 - actually did 109, as I lost count at one point, and did a few extra, rather than end up at 99 (which would truly be an epic fail).

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Crunch Week 6 - Day 3

last full set - went fairly well, should be able to do 100 good form crunches without too many problems. hope to do it as early as saturday...

crunches: 26/26/32/32/26/26/22/22/84 on a spec of (same /60 - total of 296)

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Walking

totals for the last week of prep: 20.4k steps... put some effort and a lot of general activity, plus it was all recorded. making 10k per week should be trivial...

just had our 'start' meeting, reset the counters and the first "real" week totals start now, results next week...

total: 20.4k steps

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Now and Zen

this has been going poorly. rarely done, and often interrupted. not happy with this at all, but still not sufficiently unhappy to do something about it, which is even more "not good"...

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Crunch Week 6 - Day 2

getting close to test time (could say "crunch time", but that would be pretty cheesy...).

crunches: 22/22/30/30/24/24/18/18/60 on a spec of (same /57 - total of 248)
pushups: 25/23/20/17/17/13 (plus 5/1/x) (total of 115 for 1st 6 sets, like others before) grand total of 121 - shoulder was hurting, kind of went soft on myself.

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Pushup Practice

as you may have noticed, my pushup practice has dropped off. managed to mangle my shoulder in a botched dive roll, so the pushups will be light for the next week or two. no serious damage, but have to get the shoulder back in place and loosen up the muscles.

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Walking

at work, we are preparing to start a 10k steps per week challenge. it will kick off on the 8th of April and end in September, so we're taking the days between now and then to 'condition' ourselves. each week there will be a report on how the prior week went.

last week (first of two 'prep' weeks) was good for over 8k counted steps (was only counting the steps on my lunch walk - and a 4 day work week). this week will be much higher, if I remember to wear it all day, and over the weekend...

total: 8k steps

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Crunch Week 6 - Day 1

this was a set-of-5, so totals are back to normal. did a pretty good job, given how things have been going...

crunches: 45/55/35/30/70 on a spec of (same /55 - total of 235)
pushups: 30/23/20/18/16/14 (total of 121)

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Pushup Practice

only got to 25. that sucks. still fatigued from the climbing yesterday.

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Pushup Practice

didn't do pushups, but went to Rocks-n-Ropes (indoor climbing walls), mostly to belay the boy scouts. did some low altitude free-climbing (less than 10' doesn't require tie-up) and on a 12' tall boulder. tons of fun, but my arms and shoulders ache something fierce!

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Crunch Week 5 - Day 3

did a full set of crunches, but bailed early on pushups due to shoulder cramp

crunches: 20/20/24/24/20/20/22/50 on a spec of (same, total of 200)
pushups: 20/17/15/x/ ...

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Pushup Practice

forgive me, for I have sinned - it's been over 2 weeks since my last pushup...

well, finally got back into it - cranked out 30, which isn't too bad for having avoided it for so long. hope to do a full set of pushups between crunches tomorrow.

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vacation and zen - part 2

several times during the vacation, I slipped away for 10 min or so of "me" time and meditated. things went fairly well, but it's hard for me to stay focused when I can hear the rest of the clan splashing in the pool.

didn't get much of a chance to meditate while on the road, but achieved something similar while singing along to some of my favorite music (especially when it's one both the wife and I both know and like, best when we know the harmony parts). it was super-real, just there with the music and the family. I got to relax and really get into the music, as my wife did all the driving - she likes driving almost as much as I do, but we took her car, so ...

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vacation and zen

just got back from a silly vacation - silly in the lack of planning. airfare was way too much, so we (as much on a whim as on solid thoughtfulness) drove 2200 miles each way (3 days each way) to spend 4 days with my dad.

we listened to audio books to help pass the time. in the past, audio books were a last resort from boredom, as it would intrude into my thoughts, competing for my attention, and make the trip even longer, as well as more stressful. this time, despite not being very interested in the great Harry Potter, I was able to stay focused, in the 'now', listening and allowing my full attention to stay with the audio book. the results (very good) were not at all what was expected. might have to do with the difference in material (usually, I pick biographies of people I find interesting - a two volume set on Teddy Roosevelt most recently) or circumstance (driving thru west Texas or most anywhere after sunset, vs on airplanes, ferries or while relaxing) or company (over the car's audio system vs headphones) or training...

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Crunch Week 5 - Day 2

WOW! Never expected this kind of result. Day 2 (and 3, for Weeks 5 & 6) has 8 sets, so I get 9 pushup sets in. The totals are mind-boggling. I stopped a little early on the first set of pushups (pacing), but was having problems with breathing (my Gi top was covering much of my lower face, and I kept breathing the same air, thus the low totals for rounds 2 & 3, stripped it off after that). Actually, a sweaty, heavy canvas Gi top can weigh about 40 pounds, so pulling it off was a real help to me... 8)

The crunches still aren't killing me, so I hope to have a video up of 100 crunches before the end of the month. I plan to put numbers in the footer for counting. Then I need to learn how to speed things up, so the first and last 10 are normal speed, but most of the middle is 2 or 3 times faster... I'm going to see if I can find a MIDI version of Flight of the Bumblebee, so that I can change the pace to match the speedup of the video (start slow, build the speed, slow for the finish...). Somehow I don't imagine the sound of me grunting and breathing durring the crunches will appeal, especailly once I speed things up...

crunches: 19/19/22/27/18/18/22/60 on a spec of (same (except 27, should have been 22)/45 - total of 205)
pushups: 25/17/18/20/20/16 (plus 14/14/10) (total of 116 for 1st 6 sets, like others before) grand total of 154!

no wonder I'm sore... can't wait for tomorrow...

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Pushup Practice

ground out 34 in the evening... wanted to do more, but there are a million excuses, including sliding toes, sore shoulder, tile floor (hard on my wrists, knuckles weren't even an option)... On to a complete pushup and crunch schedule on Tuesday...

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Now and Zen

planned to go to a sit on Sunday, but over slept. however, the daily meditations are doing much better (in frequency / regularity as well as smoothness). in the past 5 days there were 4 sessions. some were very good (defined as minimal mental wandering). perhaps it will soon be time to do longer sits (perhaps 15 min at a time). about the time I can do 2 or 3 sessions in a row with only one or two interruptions, it's probably time to make things harder.

I wonder how many people find meditation with large amounts of white noise? last night I spent some time waiting for my computer (very loud, many fans to prevent meltdown, modest overclocking) to finish copying a large number of files, so I meditated... it was much smoother, fewer interruptions, much more pleasant, almost effortless.

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Pushup Practice

what a week... hurt my right shoulder in a poorly executed dive roll (at Dojo on Wed, after doing pushup practice), and have been having trouble sleeping and using the arm. hope to get back to pushups and crunches tomorrow.

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Pushup Practice

got to 35, although I really wanted to quit at 33. working on doing a few more after hitting the wall...

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Now and Zen

talked w/ Sensei about the Soto Zen temple he helps run (novice, or whatever they are called in Buddhism) - I'll be showing up for the meditation (half an hour - YIKES!) and perhaps staying for some of the other things as well. will have to see.

meditation - it's there. still lots of interruptions... have to keep working on it.

haven't been doing well with being in the moment, present in now or any of that stuff. it's already starting to drift... not good. need to print those days and practice. perhaps a week of just "in the moment", then a week of ...


communication - still kind of avoiding working on it with the wife, as the first session will be a pain in all kinds of places. have to start sometime, though - probably tomorrow (my favorite day of the week!)

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Crunch Week 5 - Day 1

time to run with the big dogs - it starts getting ugly. my margins are high enough on the stress test that there's not too much worry about completing this week. doing 60 after week 4 is good, and if 80 can be achieved by the end of week 5, it should (by extension) be safe to presume that 100 can be done by the end of week 6. feeling pretty good... we'll see how things feel after the set is done...

crunches: 36/40/30/24/55 on a spec of (same/40 - total of 185)
pushups: 25/25/20/15/10/8 (total of 103) "paced" myself on 1st set, paid off, a bit

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zen retreat - wrapup

and now the long journey begins - with minimal guidance, it will be my turn to seek and find the path for myself. which patterns will remain and which will fall by the wayside or atrophy?

I have recorded my thoughts here more for myself than others, as a reminder, to review from time to time and try to forge ahead. If my musings are amusing, so much the better. Good luck to you, dear reader, good luck to us all.

ps - today's meditation went ok, but lots of movie mind interruptions.

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Pushup Practice

got to 33 - now it appears to be going up by 2's - how long can this go on? perhaps 100 is just a few weeks away...

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Crunch Stress Test (before Week 5)

got to 60. the last 5 were a pain, and probably could have made a few more, but most likely was already well into the "bigboy" column.

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Day 10 of zen retreat - discussion

The most important thing for me was Day 8 and the true depth of personal communication.

I, at one time, knew most of this stuff, if by other names and other means. My wife and I became very close and could discuss anything without getting too emotional. Since then (and over the last decade or so), we have forgotten how to communicate at that level. While we were still skilled in the good habits of frequency and content for discussions, we had become unskilled in the core details of listening, and truly hearing what was said.

I realize, now, just how much distance there is between us, and will be working on that in the weeks to come. It would be overly dramatic to say this saved my marriage, but it certainly will help reduce the tension and rough spots as we get back to where we should be.

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Day 10 of zen retreat - assignment

Islands of Ease

Review: skills to practice and improve as we spend more times on the Island & less in the swamp:
- one breath Mindfulness (within an "in" and an "out")
- rushing is the opposite of Present / Now / Mindful - cure: Mindful Breath (above) & thumb/finger circle
- keep coming back to Now: thumb/finger circle as trigger/anchor and try different things: eating, cleaning, ...
- daily Meditation
. . be gentle, it won't all be smooth
. . make time for it to become a routine part of the day
. . "stepping stones" to prep: make tea, light candle, sit, drink tea, meditate
. . guided meditations (Dr Glenn & Mary has some on the way)

Assignment:
reflect and comment on the most important thing from the retreat...

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Pushup Practice

got to 31 today, so we'll keep going with what is working so well. onward and upwards

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zen retreat - misc notes

misc things I noticed

go to get a massage on a weekly basis - normally I fall asleep within a few min, but this week, mindfulness was all around me (part of my new pattern?), and was awake and aware (for once, with the broad, soft awareness, not the sharp focus of concentration). very interesting sensation. feeling the fingers, elbows and hands, as they tried to pound some of my lumps into submission - with some useful results.

have noticed my increaced awareness of my eating - even the junk food gets more precise measurement as it is being masticated and ingested. not sure if this is slowing down the pace of eating, but it is interesting to actually TASTE some of the food that goes down the hatch.

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day 9 of zen retreat - discussion

stillness - by the numbers

1 relaxation - hard to do - especially if one is trying to stay awake. got some success, some relaxation, but find that the worst of my tension relates to the Movie Mind - the best relaxation came when the projector was turned off - an interesting metaphor that worked for me...

2 inner silence - the window was open, enjoying a pleasant breeze (yes, it's winter in Tucson, but it's a dry heat, really!) - keeping the mind as silent as could be - gently pushing intruding thoughts back into their places to await my return - that's it: need a "do not disturb" sign for my mind... - was it 5 minutes - hard to tell, forgot to look at the clock, but it seemed fairly long.

3 outer silence - well, for the duration of this exercise, it was trivial, was in the far corner of the house, no one near, tv / radio / kids were off (kids were outside playing elsewhere), so that went well. have to see how it goes over the next few days (being quiet for the sake of being quiet).

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day 9 of zen retreat - assignment

finding stillness

it's simple, really. just relax the body, relax the mind (pond metaphor), be in a quiet place, and be quiet. nothing to it... but wait! there's always a catch. there's always noise, the body (at least mine) is rarely relaxed (even when sleeping), and don't get me started on my mind!

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Pushup Practice

30! wow. working my way up. perhaps 40 can be reached in a week or two. once 40 can be done, it may be time to try going back to the 'hundred' version and try to keep up with week 6... time will tell.

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day 7 of zen retreat - discussion - part 2

finally got around to the "healing hand of love" - for whatever reason, there wasn't much, if anything there. perhaps there was too much mental 'noise' to be able to feel/hear it. will try again tomorrow.

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day 8 of zen retreat - discussion

assignment was to listen completely, deeply.

result - miserable failure. couldn't keep in the moment. kept moving forward to my counter to the last statement, explaining to myself why they were wrong, ...

will have to try again tomorrow, perhaps after a bit of meditation... start by getting my head right.

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day 8 of zen retreat - assignment

today's lesson is on listening - the simplest thing to do (if you don't know what you're doing), but the hardest thing to do (once you are aware). be in the present moment, a mind free of judgment, but full of compassion. tough job for a nit-pick & (self) certified expert (on just about everything) like myself.

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Pushup Practice

got to 28, so still on track for +1 per day. in another 2 or 3 months, 100 should be within reach...

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day 7 of zen retreat - discussion

Am I in touch with myself? (probably not - every time I phone myself, all I get is a busy signal!)

all joking aside, the body scan went fairly well, but most of my core (torso) would not come into sharp focus (I was visualizing body parts as if they were pictures from an anatomy book), so that's the answer to "notice areas you can't sense well" - and yes, the mood/state is STRESS. the project I'm working on is going poorly, due to lack of specific resources (I have the responsibility to do the project, but not the authority to force the proper people to be made available - not what I was promised at the onset) and the company (a tiny sub-division of a large company) has been on the brink of dissolution for the past 6 months. not sure how any stress in the outside world "relates" to stuff going on with the inside world...

fell asleep before doing the self-healing exercise, so that's on today's list of to-do's.

also didn't get around to meditating (bad boy, no cookie). or perhaps I got 10 seconds into a meditation that went badly due to my snoring...

the body meditation was part of the 1st segment of today's observational exercise.

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day 7 of zen retreat - assignment

being present with yourself

are you in touch with yourself?
- meditate for 5 min
- do quick body scan
- notice areas you can't sense well
- notice your mood or state
- what stress or worry is there, is it related to that area?

get past "if only..." (pining) and accept it (life's not fair, get used to it)

exercise: take dominant hand, gently (lovingly, tenderly) place it - _s_l_o_w_l_y_ - over your heart, leave it rest there for a couple of complete breaths.

how do you feel now?

-----
I need to meditate for 10 min

-----
I need to re-do the body meditation, trying to move my "me" to the different parts - perhaps a visualization would help?

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Pushup Practice

no pushups today. wasn;t feeling well and went to bed at 9pm (for a night owl like me, that's rare)

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day 6 of zen retreat - discussion

the senses: what do you detect with each of the senses?
- hear: the quiet rustling of the HVAC, the quiet typing of keyboards (it's early morning, few people in cubicle-land), soft footsteps, the occasional rumble of a large truck (we're near a major road).
- see: um, the monitor? also some of my kids' artwork, pictures, several wall calendars (from different organizations I belong to or donate to), my myPod maxi (hacked iPod mini with a 32Gig memory card, battery upgrade, ...), crackberry storm, skyfi3 xm radio, computer speakers, 3 page-a-day calendars (dilbert, smarter than a 5th grader (so far, yes), and insight from the Dalai Lama), coffee cups filled with pencils, pens & markers, my hutch (filled with CD's, papers, magazines and crap (including a universal joint from the wagon)), day planner, phone, ... (can you tell I'm a high-visual?)
- taste: remnants of breakfast (munchie bar, claims it's nutritious, selected to satisfy my desire to masticate), the citrus/sugar aftertaste from mountain dew (soft drink, the energy drink of the prior generation - coffee for the generation before that).
- smell: coffee (from one neighbor), cologne (from another), the "normal" smell of this building, latex paint drying (some touch-up work was done down the hall earlier)
- touch: the texture and weight of the keys as I type, the warm fuzziness of the wrist pad, the cool hardness of the desk top, the warmth of my riding boots (another motorcycle day), the firmness of the seat of my chair (a good thing, not fond of marsh-mellow seats), the coolness of the air (68.5F, 20.3C) and the breeze it makes.

- and yes, I do feel a bit more calm. it was also a bit odd, using awareness to gather the data, then concentration to glean the best and enter them here... duality or just pairing?

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54321: calming the self through an observational countdown
this was supposed to take 5 min, but perhaps I rushed it, or perhaps, since I just did the "what do you see" thing above, I had an excellent mental map, or perhaps...
5 - 1st 5 calendars
4 - last 2 calendars plus 2 pieces of artwork from the kids
3 - pieces of high tech toys (crackberry, xm & myPod)
2 - computer speakers
1 - and a partridge in a pear tree... um, my computer monitor
I imagine that this would be much more difficult if you were in an unfamiliar place...

--------------------------
-- the main event --
exercise: use each sense in turn (be in the moment) while eating a mandarine (orange) as I have a plain old orange, some of my observations will be different than those who were able to obtain the proper fruit, or those who procured other alternative fruits (I thought about using grapes, until I thought about the 'peeling' portion) 8)

look at it: it's orange, still has a stub of a stem, about the size of a tennis ball (locally grown), texture is mostly smooth with 'pores' and a few bumps near the top.
blindfold: this is weird. fortunately I can touch type...
explore with fingers: picking it up, I found more patches of roughness and bumpiness than were noticed in the initial visual observation (spent more time exploring it), exterior feels almost waxy, and there's a dimple in the bottom (useful to keep it from wandering off).
holding it in hand: about the size of a tennis ball, but heavier - found myself wondering how far it could be heaved - just about perfect size and weight for a throw. if two more were found and juggling to be done, there would be orange juice in no time flat...
smell the exterior: smells different than orange juice - a bit more tart to it.
peeling it: messy - this wasn't easy to peel. cool, wet, slightly sticky (amazingly enough, so is the keyboard - not really, grabbed a paper towel in anticipation of a mess). cheated and used knife to get it started (break a slot in the rind).
peeled smell: due to it being an orange, I have a lot of sub-rind stuff stuck to the orange, so it still has more of a tart smell than expected, but less so than when it was fully encased. in the place where it was gouged, it smells like I expected an orange to smell (leaking)
peeled feel: slightly tacky, cool, damp-ish (except where I put a thumb through it, it's quite wet there), weight is a little less, texture is kind of fuzzy (small patches of rind still there).
first bite taste: as expected, quite orange (it seems almost like synesthesia to describe a taste with a color, but you know what I mean).
feel of chewing: squishy - the wedges have some structure, so with each chomp, more orange flavor comes out. never really paid that much attention to just eating an orange before. look what I've been missing... 8)
aftertaste: smooth, not bitter - um... as I lick my lips, I find drops of juice that still taste quite orange. some bitterness now that the sweet has faded (may have to do with my quality job of peeling it).

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oh, and meditate for 10 min
- that did pretty well, getting into the flow fairly quickly, but the "perfect" 10 min has yet to happen. not sure when I should move to 15 min, if I should wait until I can do 10 min with only 1 or 2 interruptions, or as soon as my knees and ankles can take it...

-----
and re-do the body meditation, as I am supposed to be IN the body, not observing and questioning, like a boss visiting cubicle land (first person, not second person)
- tried this, but it didn't work (the way I wanted it to). the best I was able to do was to push the center of the concious 'me' down through my neck and into my upper chest, but then it started squirming around and slipped back up into my head. will try this a few more times, and as long as it improves, it will be considered a work in progress - if not, then it will be time for additional help...

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Pushup Practice

did 26. still going up, even after a brutal session yesterday (first triple digit aggregate).

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day 6 of zen retreat - assignment

senses: what do you detect with each of the senses?
54321: calming the self through an observational countdown

exercise: use each sense in turn (be in the moment) while eating a mandarine (orange)

oh, and meditate for 10 min

and re-do the body meditation, as I am supposed to be IN the body, not observing and questioning, like a boss visiting cubicle land (first person, not second person)

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"if only..." and "...not fair"

The discussion of today included acceptance of reality and not pining for a better life (plan it, work it, achieve it or regroup and try again). This reminded me of a situation with my kids...

I have been telling my kids, in response to "that's not fair", that "life's not fair, get used to it" for their entire lives. It became a "dad mantra", complete with rolling eyes and big sighs. I realized that the explanation I planned to give them "when they were older" had never been given. I explained to them that we lived in a great country, and a very wealthy country. Beyond that, we made well over average money and had lots of toys, books, electronics and other stuff. We have many freedoms that many other countries don't have. Then I lowered the boom. If life were fair, you wouldn't have any of this. If life were fair, everyone would be the same - EXACTLY the same. You'd live in what we would call a shack, with one bathroom, few toys, shared bedrooms, one car (if we were lucky), and you would most likely have already had to face the death of a friend due to disease or lack of medical care, etc... Suddenly their little world was a bit larger, and they understood a little better, just how blessed they were. And how unfair life *really* was.

What had they (or I done, for that matter) that was so great as to be in proportion to the lives we get to lead? Conversely what have the rest of the people done that leaves them in the situations they are in? It was a short conversation, but they were visibly moved. They still don't have any idea of the magnitude, but they have a grasp of the situation.

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day 5 of zen retreat - discussion

body meditation: this was wild! the most interesting part was at the beginning, while working with my toes. actually was able to 'address' and move each one separately (when little, my pronation was noticed, and was trained to pick up pencils and marbles with big and pointer toes) the rest of the toes were just there - but not tonight. they still moved mostly in unison, but was able to get the selected toe to move more, and could feel it slide past and in front of the other toes. it is probably the most bizarre thing to date.

the thing that got to me was my image of myself was of things being wrong all over the place, but while moving through my body, when asked for comment, none of the parts really had that much to say (lower back excluded). I expected much more grief. after all the effort I put into external communication (wife, kids, work, ...), you'd think I'd be on speaking terms with my body. that will be fixes post haste.

mindful walking: 10 min doesn't go as far as I thought it would (didn't even complete one lap on my usual walk). of interest to me was how many things flowed without my forcing them. usually I need to actively remember to not walk like a duck (got an issue with pronation, therefore with foot direction while walking) and to tighten my abdominals (usually just use my spinal erectors, part of my back problem). listened to the babble of a fountain in a yard, watched a cat who was watching me from his window, and enjoyed the breeze on my face and limbs. tried not to be annoyed when stepping on a rock, but instead, focused on how it felt (well, it feels lumpy and uncomfortable - duh!). quite an interesting experience.

-----
didn't know this was going to happen today. went for a mile loop yesterday at lunch and worked mostly on quieting my mind while allowing the outside in (paying attention in the soft, broad way, to everything around me, from rocks beneath my feet, traffic zooming by, birds chirping, jets flying, and the rumbling in my stomach - my walk is to fetch my lunch). didn't practice the breathing, but other than that, I think it went well.

-----
another interesting tidbit: just before I headed out for the walk, the eclectic music box known as our iTunes library was playing a waltz (Blue Danube, to be specific). you can imagine how hard it was to get that song out of my head while walking. suddenly I was counting in 3's instead of 2's, and walking with an odd gait (for those who have waltzed, no need to explain, to those who have not, I'm not sure I *could* explain - has to do with how the dance is performed).

it got worse later that evening as I sat and meditated - the song kept coming back. tried my usual Cartoon Mind trick and visualized an ensemble of chimpanzees (amazingly, they showed up wearing white tie and tux). got a chuckle out of myself, but the band played on, and my zazen session was sinking fast. finally broke myself up with audible laughter when I re-enacted a scene from a TV commercial (fancy restaurant, two guys seated at a table and dressed up as barbarians, guy in a tux with a violin playing just behind them, one barbarian reaches back, grabs the violin and smashes it on the table, then hands the wreckage back to the violinist). I know, senseless violence - and against a violin, no less. All I needed was a saxophone, and I could have had sax *and* violins! introspection aside, the laughter broke my prior state and allowed me to reenter zazen with a less cluttered mind. for some reason none of the chimps came back to harass (or serenade) me in the final segment of my session.

ps - my wife already thinks I'm kinda nuts, but lets me pursue some of my more benign quirks. having me break out in laughter in the middle of a meditation did pique her curiosity - about my sanity. fortunately, she shares much of my sense of humor, and laughed along with me. at least it appeared she was laughing *with* me...

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day 5 of zen retreat - assignment

Making Friends with Your Body

body meditation: relaxing and examining the body from the tips back to the core. slowly.

mindful walking: medium pace, breathing coordinated with walking, aware of all around you, focus on sights sounds, body sensations.

sounds easy enough. time to find out.

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Crunch Week 4 - Day 3

wow! did much better than I expected.

left the notes at dojo, so I'll have to update the numbers later. for now, here are some totals:
total crunches: (35/33/29/29/60 on a spec of 29/33/29/29/40) - 181 total! (not sure what happened with 1st set, I guess I was having too much fun & forgot to count.
total pushups: 25/20/15/12/16/13 - over 100!!!!! (101, if the math is correct)

so, it looks like I will continue with daily pushups and try to build some more endurance.

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day 4 of zen retreat - discussion

first, the meditation - not sure why, but I zoned out a few times - different from sleep (no head droop) - just a sort of gray-out. kind of startling. other than that, it went pretty smoothly, I seem to be getting into the groove with less effort, fewer interruptions (although I'd like to do a full 10 min without one).

mindfulness: this was interesting. something I have been doing daily is push-ups. I don't enjoy them, but do them for the sake of building my strength. this seemed to fit the pattern in the day's reading (something you do to get past and onto other things), so I chose it as my test subject. things went really well, and the numbers were climbing without me having to focus on counting. I could feel my arms move, and the shirt shift on my back as I moved through the range of motion, and the front of the shirt move with each exhale. I felt the texture of the carpet under my hands (I used normal palm down hand position today). all rather bizarre, as I have done push-ups for months and never noticed these things.

all was well until about the count of 22. at that point, I could feel my arms ache and lost track of the other things I had noticed. now it was simply time to pound the last few out (target was 25) and call it complete. not as long a task as washing the dishes, but still very interesting to me.


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day 4 of zen retreat - assignment

being mindful - mindfulness means being present with a clear mind and an open heart (revisiting and extending day 1 - mindfulness.

it means being present in the larger world, accessible and able to help others. the opposite would seem to be - being insulated in your own little universe. the term "soft full attention" is repeated, emphasizing the difference between attention and concentration - guess which one I'm good at and which one needs a lot of work.

the assignment: be mindful : pick a simple task and perform it with utmost attention and notice what it feels like. use thumb-to-finger to reset if you wander from attentiveness.

we'll see how today goes - both the meditation and the mindfulness exercise.

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Pushup Practice

is 25 attainable? YES! but my arms ache!

did it as part of my "mindfulness" today - it was weird. they felt effortless for a while, but somewhere near 22, it got ugly. presumably I had dropped out of mindfulness and been distracted by the growing discomfort in my arms. from there, it was just a matter of drawing deep and forcing the last few reps.

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day 3 of zen retreat - discussion

wow - dumped more than a screen-full on the private site... to summarize, the principal of Day 3 was to recognize and deal with the (by their grouping) 5 most common types thoughts.

what worked best for me in nearly all situations was to use my Cartoon Mind (picturing a thought or movie in my mind as a cartoon instead of a real-life looking image). often this meant changing the 'actors' or participants into monkeys and dismissing them with the admonition to keep rehearsing. other times, it meant dismissing a plan or problem by telling the messenger to go back and keep working, as I was busy and would attend to them shortly. it worked amazingly well. when it came, the silence was both beautiful and frightening.

as the silence became deafening, doubts appeared, in the form of tempting or tormenting monkeys - "this is not a thought" said one of them. repeatedly. another just made hissing noises. perhaps my kid brother was projecting into my mind? eventually my doubts eased, and the monkeys who were expressing those doubts silenced themselves. perhaps they were scared of the silence as well.

the challenge will be to keep the motivation as the rewards become farther apart. think of filling a pot at the sink. at first, progress is rapid as the water spreads across the bottom of the pan. then comes the interminable wait for the water to climb the side of the pan to the desired height.

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day 3 of zen retreat - assignment

dealing with 'pesky' thoughts while meditating

this attempts to attach labels to thoughts and allow us to dismiss or file for future reference any thoughts that interrupt our attempts of contemplating nothing.

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Pushup Practice

24 - relaxing on an off day - just trying to add one each day - about 3 months to 100, right? 8)

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day 2 of zen retreat - discussion

tried, and got mixed results. lots of monkey chatter. will be trying daily, and so hope to get better. gee, that's a short discussion....

to elaborate, my problem (even when just counting "in", "out", repeat) was with my mind wandering off. I multi-task, so something trivial like counting gets pushed off the front burner and handled by a counting simian (back to the monkey metaphor). my mind then wanders off and does more interesting things. recaps of this week were prominent in the chatter, as was planning for next week.

patience and practice. not exactly my strong suits. just have to keep at it. and get back up after each tumble. high hopes, just like that ant (ancient lyric reference)

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day 2 of zen retreat - assignment

meditate for 10 min. how hard can that be? sounds like famous last words...

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Pushup Practice

another day, another 23 push-ups. along with 2.5 hours at dojo. not as sore as before, may be toughening up. might also be finishing with 1/2 hour of tai-chi and stretching. we'll find out on Tuesday, the next scheduled Crunch Day, with push-ups interspersed.

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day 1 of zen retreat - discussion

I noticed a bunch of stuff as I was in the moment ...
-details: the difference between sharp focus and soft focus (also mental clarity)
-energy: more intense (more excitement, more calm, sometimes both, at the same time!)
-resources: additional ways of getting things done came to the fore, better states, ...
-smoothness/flow: less effort to accomplish a given task, effortless flow
-power: ability to move things that were previously unmovable, unstoppable mental attitude
-perceptions: noticing beauty that always existed, but I had been ignoring
-cravings: less junk food, by noticing that the craving exists, but satisfying it with healthy snacks

-----

Thinking about the day so far, and here are a jumble of observations on being aware and in the moment:

- Rode the motorcycle to work today, trying to stay in the moment. The sunrise seemed more vibrant than usual, the crescent moon caught my attention, traffic seemed to FLOW and I could see patterns develop which made the ride much easier, no need to force things.

- While my schedule is still hectic and deadlines loom, I didn't feel as much like a bull in a china shop just thrashing away. Today it felt a bit more like a butterfly, fluttering from flower to flower whilst dodging predators (and people with nets), just going about my duties of pollination and feeding.

- I was listening to Pink Floyd's "echos", and noticed stuff I hadn't been aware of previously. It just finished and now I'm listening to the opening of the Eagles' "Hotel California" off of Hell Freezes Over (the Spanish Guitar intro) and it sounds so lush - is this a case of "look for Blue" and noticing lots of blue? Focus on "be attentive" and notice lots of things that have always been there but not noticed?

- At work, my pattern is heavy on Concentration, as there are a myriad of details & I need to stay Focused to make progress. I have been having some success being "in the moment" even here, as 2.5 hours simply vanished and a good size chunk of work was completed. I have also been working on switching to being Aware when I step away from my desk.

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Pushup Practice

did 21 more today, then an hour and a half of dojo workout. a little sore, but I'll live.

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day 1 of zen retreat - assignment

got my first day's assignment and read it, but it arrived late in the afternoon (my time), so I'll work on doing the exercises tomorrow, and then write about it, both here and on their site (which is for retreat members only). The topic is "living in the moment"

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Crunch Week 4 - Day 2

owww! the crunches weren't all that bad, but the pushups were brutal. hoping to keep going and do 20 or more each day for a week or so, and see how the totals change on regular Crunch days...
crunches: 25/29/25/25/54 (!) on a spec of (same/36)
pushups: 21/20/17/12/13/13 - not sure what happened on the first set, but the last few are a big improvement, and hope to keep building on that.
given how sore my muscles are right now, we'll have to see if the motorcycle is an option tomorrow, or if the wagon will be transport-de-jour.

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day 0 of zen retreat - preparation and anticipation

Starting prep for a Zen Virtual Retreat, hosted by Mary and Deb at Goodlife Zen site (http://goodlifezen.com/virtual-retreats/ for more info). The prep included catching up on 3 months of procrastination on this blog.

It will be interesting to see how it goes, as they are based in New Zealand, and I'm in Tucson - there's either 17 hours or 1 day and -5 hours difference in the time zones. Not sure if I'll try to keep up or just live the better part of a day behind...

the site is hosted at: http://zenatheart.com/ and their blog is at http://www.goodlifezen.com

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Pushup Practice

just for giggles, since my pushup total seems stranded in the low 90's (on a good day), we'll try doing some each day for a week, then see what comes out.
crunches: (none scheduled)
pushups: 20

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Crunch Week 4 - Day 1

getting a bit more regular...
crunches: 21/25/21/21/45 on a spec of (same/32)
pushups: 35/15/19/11/8/5 (total 93)

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Crunch Stress Test (before Week 4)

stress test - did 35, so it's still the 'tough' column for me

ps - happy v-day

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Crunch Week 3 - Day 3

a bit of a rest, yeah. that's the ticket.
crunches: 22/30/20/20/36 on a spec of (same/28)
pushups: 30/20/14/12/10/6 (total 94)

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Crunch Week 3 - Day 2

these numbers have no real excuse, they just suck (pushups).
crunches: 20/25/15/15/40 on a spec of (same/25)
pushups: 30/21/13/10/5/5 (total 74)

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Crunch Week 3 - Day 1

these numbers aren't as good (pushups). did them after 2 hours of dojo practice...
crunches: 14/18/14/14/40 on a spec of (same/20)
pushups: 30/11/7/8/9/7 (total 72)

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Crunch Week 2 - Day 3

now doing pushups in the gaps between crunch sets. as many as possible each time. just trying to build things up and see what kind of improvement can be eeked out. looks like the time off helped a little bit...
crunches: 16/17/14/14/34 on a spec of (same/20)
pushups: 40/20/10/6/5/6 (total 93)

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Crunch Week 2 - Day 2

wow, regular and all that. did 14/16/12/12/32 on a spec of (same/17). will have to start adding pushups back into the mix... how?

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Crunch Week 2 - Day 1

rolling right along. did 14/14/10/10/22 on a spec of (same/15). still not sore, but it burns pretty good by the time it's over.

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Crunch Week 1 - Day 3

time got away from me. the usual excuses. did 11/15/9/9/20 on a spec of (same/13). time off didn't seem to hurt too badly. still ignoring pushups. gotta do something about that.

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Crunch Week 1 - Day 2

did more the next day, as there wasn't anything tired or aching. did 10/14/8/8/19 on a spec of (10/12/8/8/12) - forgot what the count was for the second set.

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Crunch Week 1 - Day 1

starting the crunches, just assigning myself to the "hard" column. did 10/12/7/7/20 on a spec of (first 4 numbers are the same/9 for the last one)

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Just Like Starting Over...

new plan - stalled after the end of Week 5, and couldn't seem to get it going again. So... Time to start over again with Crunches this time.

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