Now and Zen

well, it's time for another Zen Virtual Retreat... it shocked me when I realized that it's been more than half a year. amazing how quickly I have fallen out of practice of meditation... lots to do in the next week or so in preparation, quite a task with all the other things going on, busy weekends, family, work, hobbies, dojo, projects at home... need to create some space and free some time for this (sharpen the axe).

so much for intentions. it is now time for action.

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long time... no post

well, that went well. lower back still hurting - I can't seem to leave well enough alone. each time it gets feeling better, I push it and end up back at the start. shoulder is doing better and I have been doing some pushups, but not to the tune of the 100 yet. the lower back has my reverse crunch stopped, will likely re-start at week 6 and see if I can't get back into it.

meditation is something I really need to get back into, as I'm getting really down about my injuries, and that leads to bad posture, which doesn't help my lower back, which doesn't help my attitude...

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long time... no post

I've done it again. my back is still messed up. I keep pushing too hard at dojo, I guess. no real progress with pushups, pullups, crunches, or reverse crunches, other than I am doing between 10 and 30 of each 3 or 4 times a week, building up to a basic level of competence.

it's very frustrating, and that is the perfect excuse to use for meditation, only I keep forgetting to do that. and with 100+ degree temperatures, walking outside doesn't happen too often.

frustration can be motivating or demotivating, and I'm on the cusp. must work harder to maintain my attitude, as it is the most precious thing I have... without it, I truly am nothing.

oh, and to get the last usual tag on this, my braces are doing fine, teeth are still in (super slow) motion, and the inside of the lips are slowly toughening up.

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long time... no post

not dead ... yet!

been busy. vacation, worrying about a traveling kid, prep for brown belt test, getting the kids ready for school, all the usual excuses...

shoulder almost back to 100%, so I go and tear something in my back two days before brown belt test. real rocket scientist, me. 8( passed the test, but only on condition of a repeat to show proper form for two of the techniques.

started some limited pull up tests. this has always been my weakest point, and now that I weigh 230 pounds, it's even tougher. I can do two pull ups clean, and a third if I struggle. going to start working this into my "regular" routine, along with pushups.

braces are doing well, ached and made biting and chewing an annoyance for the first three weeks, but hasn't been a problem since. Monday is the next appointment, so I'm going to ask them to step it up some. also, the worst part of braces is they are still chewing up the inside of my mouth. I'll talk to them about that.

still need to do my 100 reverse crunches for record, but that's out until I get my back straightened out (so to speak). hopefully in the next few weeks I can re-do weeks 5 & 6 as a way of getting back into the swing of it.

also haven't done much with silent meditation, but having fun with guided ones instead. I think I will need to circle in on pure silence, although I do try to get short bursts of silence from time to time. another seminar, on zen and stress (if I recall correctly), will be starting in a few months, so I'll need to get my zen on... practice doesn't make perfect. perfect practice makes perfect. 8(#)

Now and Zen

actually got a decent meditation in last week (but only one). need to figure out how to make it a higher priority - you always find time for your "MUST" items, but rarely find it for your "SHOULD" items...

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Now and Zen

... or lack thereof. still having problems remembering to do the meditations. perhaps once a week, on a good week. not very good.

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Now and Zen

this has been going poorly. rarely done, and often interrupted. not happy with this at all, but still not sufficiently unhappy to do something about it, which is even more "not good"...

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vacation and zen - part 2

several times during the vacation, I slipped away for 10 min or so of "me" time and meditated. things went fairly well, but it's hard for me to stay focused when I can hear the rest of the clan splashing in the pool.

didn't get much of a chance to meditate while on the road, but achieved something similar while singing along to some of my favorite music (especially when it's one both the wife and I both know and like, best when we know the harmony parts). it was super-real, just there with the music and the family. I got to relax and really get into the music, as my wife did all the driving - she likes driving almost as much as I do, but we took her car, so ...

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vacation and zen

just got back from a silly vacation - silly in the lack of planning. airfare was way too much, so we (as much on a whim as on solid thoughtfulness) drove 2200 miles each way (3 days each way) to spend 4 days with my dad.

we listened to audio books to help pass the time. in the past, audio books were a last resort from boredom, as it would intrude into my thoughts, competing for my attention, and make the trip even longer, as well as more stressful. this time, despite not being very interested in the great Harry Potter, I was able to stay focused, in the 'now', listening and allowing my full attention to stay with the audio book. the results (very good) were not at all what was expected. might have to do with the difference in material (usually, I pick biographies of people I find interesting - a two volume set on Teddy Roosevelt most recently) or circumstance (driving thru west Texas or most anywhere after sunset, vs on airplanes, ferries or while relaxing) or company (over the car's audio system vs headphones) or training...

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Now and Zen

planned to go to a sit on Sunday, but over slept. however, the daily meditations are doing much better (in frequency / regularity as well as smoothness). in the past 5 days there were 4 sessions. some were very good (defined as minimal mental wandering). perhaps it will soon be time to do longer sits (perhaps 15 min at a time). about the time I can do 2 or 3 sessions in a row with only one or two interruptions, it's probably time to make things harder.

I wonder how many people find meditation with large amounts of white noise? last night I spent some time waiting for my computer (very loud, many fans to prevent meltdown, modest overclocking) to finish copying a large number of files, so I meditated... it was much smoother, fewer interruptions, much more pleasant, almost effortless.

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Now and Zen

talked w/ Sensei about the Soto Zen temple he helps run (novice, or whatever they are called in Buddhism) - I'll be showing up for the meditation (half an hour - YIKES!) and perhaps staying for some of the other things as well. will have to see.

meditation - it's there. still lots of interruptions... have to keep working on it.

haven't been doing well with being in the moment, present in now or any of that stuff. it's already starting to drift... not good. need to print those days and practice. perhaps a week of just "in the moment", then a week of ...


communication - still kind of avoiding working on it with the wife, as the first session will be a pain in all kinds of places. have to start sometime, though - probably tomorrow (my favorite day of the week!)

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zen retreat - wrapup

and now the long journey begins - with minimal guidance, it will be my turn to seek and find the path for myself. which patterns will remain and which will fall by the wayside or atrophy?

I have recorded my thoughts here more for myself than others, as a reminder, to review from time to time and try to forge ahead. If my musings are amusing, so much the better. Good luck to you, dear reader, good luck to us all.

ps - today's meditation went ok, but lots of movie mind interruptions.

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Day 10 of zen retreat - discussion

The most important thing for me was Day 8 and the true depth of personal communication.

I, at one time, knew most of this stuff, if by other names and other means. My wife and I became very close and could discuss anything without getting too emotional. Since then (and over the last decade or so), we have forgotten how to communicate at that level. While we were still skilled in the good habits of frequency and content for discussions, we had become unskilled in the core details of listening, and truly hearing what was said.

I realize, now, just how much distance there is between us, and will be working on that in the weeks to come. It would be overly dramatic to say this saved my marriage, but it certainly will help reduce the tension and rough spots as we get back to where we should be.

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Day 10 of zen retreat - assignment

Islands of Ease

Review: skills to practice and improve as we spend more times on the Island & less in the swamp:
- one breath Mindfulness (within an "in" and an "out")
- rushing is the opposite of Present / Now / Mindful - cure: Mindful Breath (above) & thumb/finger circle
- keep coming back to Now: thumb/finger circle as trigger/anchor and try different things: eating, cleaning, ...
- daily Meditation
. . be gentle, it won't all be smooth
. . make time for it to become a routine part of the day
. . "stepping stones" to prep: make tea, light candle, sit, drink tea, meditate
. . guided meditations (Dr Glenn & Mary has some on the way)

Assignment:
reflect and comment on the most important thing from the retreat...

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zen retreat - misc notes

misc things I noticed

go to get a massage on a weekly basis - normally I fall asleep within a few min, but this week, mindfulness was all around me (part of my new pattern?), and was awake and aware (for once, with the broad, soft awareness, not the sharp focus of concentration). very interesting sensation. feeling the fingers, elbows and hands, as they tried to pound some of my lumps into submission - with some useful results.

have noticed my increaced awareness of my eating - even the junk food gets more precise measurement as it is being masticated and ingested. not sure if this is slowing down the pace of eating, but it is interesting to actually TASTE some of the food that goes down the hatch.

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day 9 of zen retreat - discussion

stillness - by the numbers

1 relaxation - hard to do - especially if one is trying to stay awake. got some success, some relaxation, but find that the worst of my tension relates to the Movie Mind - the best relaxation came when the projector was turned off - an interesting metaphor that worked for me...

2 inner silence - the window was open, enjoying a pleasant breeze (yes, it's winter in Tucson, but it's a dry heat, really!) - keeping the mind as silent as could be - gently pushing intruding thoughts back into their places to await my return - that's it: need a "do not disturb" sign for my mind... - was it 5 minutes - hard to tell, forgot to look at the clock, but it seemed fairly long.

3 outer silence - well, for the duration of this exercise, it was trivial, was in the far corner of the house, no one near, tv / radio / kids were off (kids were outside playing elsewhere), so that went well. have to see how it goes over the next few days (being quiet for the sake of being quiet).

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day 9 of zen retreat - assignment

finding stillness

it's simple, really. just relax the body, relax the mind (pond metaphor), be in a quiet place, and be quiet. nothing to it... but wait! there's always a catch. there's always noise, the body (at least mine) is rarely relaxed (even when sleeping), and don't get me started on my mind!

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day 7 of zen retreat - discussion - part 2

finally got around to the "healing hand of love" - for whatever reason, there wasn't much, if anything there. perhaps there was too much mental 'noise' to be able to feel/hear it. will try again tomorrow.

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day 8 of zen retreat - discussion

assignment was to listen completely, deeply.

result - miserable failure. couldn't keep in the moment. kept moving forward to my counter to the last statement, explaining to myself why they were wrong, ...

will have to try again tomorrow, perhaps after a bit of meditation... start by getting my head right.

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day 8 of zen retreat - assignment

today's lesson is on listening - the simplest thing to do (if you don't know what you're doing), but the hardest thing to do (once you are aware). be in the present moment, a mind free of judgment, but full of compassion. tough job for a nit-pick & (self) certified expert (on just about everything) like myself.

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